


all of it, for you

by flowerpendulum



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Friendship/Love, Happy?, Love, M/M, References to Supernatural (TV), Sad Castiel, Sad Dean Winchester, Self-Hatred, maybe smut, this is my first destiel fic idk what i’m doing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-21 14:58:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12460155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerpendulum/pseuds/flowerpendulum
Summary: in the years they have known each other, dean and cas have both longed for one another, yet are both blind to the signs.castiel's only problem used to be that he loved humanity, after he gripped dean tight and raised him from perdition. now his problem is that he loves dean.





	1. angel of the lord

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first destiel fic and i have no idea how it will turn out but i’m gonna try

“who are you?”  
castiel thought that by now dean should know his name. after all, he had reached the psychic human who contacted him, and told her his name in hopes that she would relay it to dean, after being surprised that dean could not hear castiel in his true form.

“castiel.”  
“yeah, i figured that much. i mean _what_ are you.”

castiel scolded himself. he should have known no human would be able to have the knowledge to automatically know that he was an angel of the lord. heaven had tried to keep contact with earth to a minimum since the beginning, only maintaining ties through prophets. not even demons in the depths of hell have knowledge of such celestial beings as angels.

“i am an angel of the lord.” castiel decided it would be best to say it simply, as it would be easier for dean to come to terms with this new finding of his.

“get the hell out of here. there’s no such thing.”

for a moment castiel pondered deans chosen phrase, confused on what he meant by referencing hell, but moved on quickly. he expected denial, as most prophets do when they are chosen. he reminds himself that dean is not a prophet, but a human chosen for a much greater purpose.

“this is your problem, dean. you have no faith.”

dean continues to make facial expressions of confusion, and castiel thinks of more ways he could possibly explain the situation to him. although it may be difficult to understand, dean’s incredible disbelief leaves castiel wondering if it’s that dean winchester believes he has been rescued by an angel, but he cannot believe that it was him that was chosen to be lifted from hell.

"look pal, i'm not buying what you're selling. so, who are you really?"  
castiel begins to wonder if dean winchester is purposefully trying to confuse him with obscure references.  
"I told you."  
"right. and why would an angel rescue me from hell?"  
Ah, so castiel was correct. this does concern dean's lack of faith.  
"good things do happen, dean." castiel attempted to feign a tone of empathy, but knew that he still came across as a cold, emotionless being. this is no way to earn dean winchester's trust. he must try harder.

"not in my experience." dean's face remained hardened, emotionally and physically repelling the angel. castiel wondered what emotions he would be feeling in response to dean's coldness if he was human. judging by the way dean is reacting to his current situation, castiel decided that it would have to be a jumble of different emotions, not just one. but why is dean reacting so strangely?

"what's the matter?" he inquired, taking a moment to study dean, still confused. why is this human, this man in particular, so confounding? castiel finds himself more and more intrigued with the elder winchester's thoughts and mannerisms, the way his brows knit together and his jaw clenches and unclenches as castiel scans him.  
"you don't think you deserve to be saved." castiel confirms his earlier theory, and watches as dean swallows, speechless and visibly bashful at the accusation. castiel realizes he may look slightly menacing, and tries to soften his vessel's facial expression in the most human way he could, watching as dean reacts to the slight movement by responding.  
"Why'd you do it?" dean's voice is strained, his face showing pain. castiel knows no other way to explain it than telling the absolute truth.  
"because god commanded it. because we have work for you."

following his first meeting with dean winchester, castiel learns that the more interactions he has with the winchesters, more so dean, the more human he feels. soon he craves it, the emotions and feeling of camaraderie that comes with so much human interaction. "cas", the pet name that the boys had given him, makes castiel wonder if this was what he was missing in heaven; a family. castiel once briefely mentioned his profound bond with dean in front of the two, but received only what castiel perceived to be puzzled looks, and sadly accepted that it was the face of a man who did not feel the same about cas that he felt for dean.

time moves on. alas, castiel does not.


	2. always happy to bleed for the winchesters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got way more reads than i thought it would in a day wow ok

every time deans phone rings, his heart jumps to his throat. he never knew what it could be: a case, a death. the possibilities are endlesss when you’re working the life.

mostly, dean was worried that it would be cas in trouble this time. that freaking angel has been with dean to hell and back, literally, and the thought of anything hurting him makes dean want to punch something.

the time in which sam, dean, and cas lived together in the bunker was some of the happiest months of deans life. sure, he enjoyed living in his baby, on the road all the time, calling or praying to cas whenever he needed him. but just having a home, with sam and cas, was something dean felt as though his heart had always ached for. after enduring so much loss: his mother, john, bobby, kevin, the list goes on and on, dean loves to come home, to sit in the kitchen and just enjoy peace from time to time.

since they met, dean has been unsure on the angels true feelings for him.  
 _i mean, it’s cas we’re talking about here_ , dean thought. _is he even capable of any kind of love?_

this was deans idea for a long time. eventually, and stubbornly, he accepted that cas had definitely changed from the angel he used to be, and had proved himself capable of love.

_“i’m always happy to bleed for the winchesters.”_  
cas’s words rang in deans head every time dean considered the possibility that cas might think of him as more than a good friend.

of course, dean has always loved cas. he thought it had always been obvious, but secretly knows that castiel would never pick up on any clues until it was as blatant as the nose on his face.

that being said, sam is not nearly as clueless as cas. he’s always sensed the connection between the two, but ever since that damn angel exploded from a leviathan overdose, and dean saved that damn coat of his, sam knew that dean was undoubtedly and unreservedly in love with castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda short. my bad.  
> PSA i’ve only watched the first episode of season 13 so if anything happens i won’t be writing about it


	3. i need you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m really enjoying writing this

_“I’m not leaving here without you.”_

_”dean, go!”_

 

dean shivered at the memories, his hairs standing on end and his body growing cold. it’s difficult to think about his time spent in purgatory, especially when he left cas. to this day, it is one of the hardest things he has ever had to do. dean has always felt personally responsible for everything that happened to cas after their time in purgatory. every time he feels down on himself, cas’s bearded, dirty, and painfully bleak face appears in his mind, and dean asks himself, _how could i have just left him there?_

as he once told dean, castiel always comes when dean calls. it’s something that dean has grown to depend on; when he prays, he knows that even if he can’t come at that very moment, castiel is listening. he’s always there for them.

 

 

 

   guilt. unimaginable, heart wrenching guilt. the fact that his guilt is heart wrenching, or that he feels guilty at all is just a small part of castiel’s weakness. _you have fallen in every way imaginable... we gave you our trust, don’t lose it over one man... it was all about saving one human..._

castiel may not be a warrior of heaven any longer; in fact, he is the furthest from it he could possibly get, but he still feels as though he has failed them. failed himself. his intended purpose was as a soldier, and nothing more. castiel used to play off his attraction to dean winchester as a side effect of such sudden and heavy interaction with humans and their emotional nature, yet now, he knows it is so much more than that. after all, he feels differently for other humans he cares about, like sam, for instance, or claire. but dean is different somehow. seeing him at certain moments makes castiel feel as he never had before for others. when dean lay broken after sam, housing lucifer, was sent to the cage with michael, castiel felt a pang in his heart; hurting because dean was hurting.

_“cas, it’s me. we’re family. we need you. i need you”_

no. castiel is not guilty, not sorry for throwing away everything he had for a family, for one man. sam and dean are the best thing that has ever happened to him. dean is the best thing that has ever happened to him. and he will never apologize for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok next chapter is gonna have like actual dialogue n shit  
> sorry for the lack


	4. castiel the spy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey demons it’s me ya boy

dean woke up.  
for a moment he thought he was still dreaming, but then remembered it was just his room in the bunker: books strewn all over the place, laptop still open on the desk. he sat up, bed creaking as he noticed he was still fully clothed, jeans wrinkled and flannel unbuttoned.  
god, it was a long night.  
sam’s out on a tulpa case in witchita, insisting that dean needed time away from hunting . dean knew sam was only trying to be helpful, but man, was it hard not to pry the car keys from sams hand and tell him to shut his cakehole, dean is driving, he doesn’t know what best for dean. but he didn’t, and now he’s alone. dean rubbed his cheek, creased from the sheets and rough with stubble.

   the bunker was silent, the only noise deans heavy footsteps on the concrete. he stumbled into the kitchen, picking up the half full carafe and lazily shoved it under the coffee machine, pressing ‘brew’ and hoping there were still some coffee grounds left from the last pot. dean glanced up at the clock: 8 am.  
sam must have left around five, the only evidence he moved through the house and empty coffee stained mug in the kitchen sink and the phone number of the motel he was staying at. the coffee maker whirred to life, and dean cursed under his breath when the carafe began filling up with muddy looking hot water. “damn it.” he turned it off and flipped the top open, where the used remains off coffee grounds lay useless in the wet filter. deans laziness is getting out of hand.

   he remade the coffee, filling a new filter with fresh grounds, emptying the carafe and brewing a fresh pot. once dean had his morning coffee and browsed through his voicemail (all sam), he turned his phone off and headed for the bathroom. dean’s plaid was stained with god knows what, and his jeans were wearing down in the worst possible areas. he made a mental note to borrow sams clothes and began to strip. first his boots, then flannel, jeans, and t shirt, until nothing was left but his boxers. dean turned the water on, sticking his hand under the shower head, the water changing from cool to hot as it pelted his hand. finally, dean removed his boxers and climbed into the shower, letting the warm water run down his body and the steam clear his head.

 

 

  “dean?” castiel walked down the bunker stairs, curious at the silence of the bunker. “sam?” he called, but no reply. his eyes were drawn to the empty mug resting on the table, and then the distant sound of water pipes running from deeper in the bunker. castiel shrugged off his coat and hung it on the back of a chair. he walked through the hall to his room, passing deans’ on the way. momentarily, he marveled at dean’s disarray and the messiness of human nature in general, when his thoughts were interrupted by a soft humming coming from the bathroom, nearly drowned out by the sound of the shower.

cas quietly approached the bathroom door, entranced with the singing. “dean?” he asked quietly, feeling like he should make himself known but secretly feeling pleased when he received no reply. at least he tried. cas, being ever so careful, turned the doorknob and gently pushed the door open, praying to heaven that it wouldn’t make a sound. he had just entered the bathroom enough so he could make out the bathtub when the shower curtain whipped open.

 

 _shit_ , dean thought, _i forgot the shampoo.  
_ he opened the shower curtain, and was startled by the open bathroom door. _huh, could've sworn i closed it_. that being said, dean reached to the bathroom sink where his flannel was bundled into a ball, and pulled out his handgun, which is always close by. he stepped out of the shower onto the bathmat, the cold and biting air becoming a quick reminder of his nudity. wrapping a towel around his waist, dean stepped across the bathroom and into the hall, trailing water across the floor and trying not to slip and fall. he glanced both ways seeing no signs of an intruder. a million possibilities raced through his mind : the bunkers' warding failed, sam has returned, am angry spirit has attached itself to something of the winchesters' and is now opening doors to annoy dean. once dean had made sure the hall was clear, he shook his head at his own suspicion and made his way back to the shower.

 

  if he were human, castiel was sure he would have had a heart attack by now. this has to be what genuine terror feels like. he made himself hidden as soon as dean opened the curtain, frozen in the doorway, his eyes glued to dean. a naked, dripping wet dean. it was hard to not watch the soap suds slide down his fit torso, as dean reached for his gun. cas silently backed up, pressing himself against the hallway wall. his vessel's heart beat quickly, and dean stepped out of the shower, fully exposed. castiel wasn't sure of he should cover his eyes, leave, or keep watching, feeling dirty and sinful with every second that ticked by. he found it intriguing how, after being cast from heaven so many times and separated himself from his brothers and sisters, castiel still remembered and applied every lesson that was ever taught to him by his mentors. this included everything there is to know about sin. what cas was doing is indefinitely sinful, and just plain wrong. so why can't he stop looking? water pooled wherever dean stepped on the concrete, leaving footprints up and down the hall as he warily checked for anything out of the ordinary. meanwhile, cas stayed put, watching deans back muscles tense and relax as he held the gun out in front of him.

 finally, dean shook his head and walked back to the bathroom, castiels eyes drawn to both the low-hanging towel and deans' scruffed-up wet hair. he looked absolutely incredible, and cas was amazed with dean's pure beauty. the bathroom door closed, and cas finally felt like he could breathe. not knowing where to go, he turned ad walked back down the hall as quiet as he possibly could, confused on what he could possibly be feeling.

 

dean dressed himself in sam's clothes, and although the jeans were a bit long, it would be fine until he did his laundry. whenever that would be. walking down the hallway, he noticed a trench coat hanging on the chair. "cas?" he called, and the angel came walking in. "hello dean." he spoke, giving him a small smile. dean scratched his head, confused with cas's behavior. "why didn't you let me know you were here?" dean asked, and castiel cleared his throat.  
"you seemed busy, and i din't want to intrude." at this, dean waved his hand at cas. "cas, it's fine." he said nonchalantly, walking toawrds the kitchen. cas sighed in relief when dean poked his head through the doorway.

"hey cas, you wouldn't of happened to notice anything weird going on here, right?" he asked, and cas's breath hitched.

"nothing out of the ordinary." cas replied, mustering a reassuring smile. dean nodded in thought, and then went on his way.

castiel decided he would try his best to not spy on dean ever again.

oh well, sometimes promises are broken for the best.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like this chapter

**Author's Note:**

> let me know it any of this is worth it


End file.
